Reading my posts; realized that i dont sound very smart, witty, or mature.Instead i sound very self absorbed and childish. Hm.

See Title.
I'm guessing this photo doesn't do much to help me look less childish, right?
sigh.

Please Dont hurt me, i know i havent posted in a while.

hehehe.

hiii...
i'm not going to apologize for not blogging because nobody cares.
so there.
sigh. so lets recap whats been happening since i lat posted about my lame little life.
i had my review classes and exams that i still dont have the results for so i dont even know if i failed my math class or not. because of this i am currently taking a math summer class. it was supposed to be for credit in case i had to re do this years math next year. yeah, after almost half way through the course and busting my ass (though my sister tells me i havent been working at all; more on her later) i wasnt going to do as well as i would if i did it next year, i've decided to audit the class. my plan; if i do have to redo this years math i will get rid of my elective (even if it hurts) and take both math classes. its one plan that i know cant fail.

speaking of which; my not so good plans that ive made recently.
obviously they didnt work out and im still dealing with the backlash from these plans/decisions. On june 19th, i went to my friend's birthday/going away party. recently my fam has started to dislike the idea of me going for sleepovers and for a long time they disliked the idea of me even mentioning this friends name. long story short, i stayed over even though they didnt like it. At this party though, there was a guy. two guys actually.
One will go by the alias 'A', the other with 'B'. haha, boy A, and boy B. i find that funny since i just took away from their first initials.
ANYWAY.
A was this guy that my friend ('S' from now on.) met over the internet (yes i know. unfortunately thats how she meets most people). He was there for her to hook up with. my god, he was gorgeous. and funny! he and i hit it off right away. in fact after talking for a long time he and i almost kissed but S jumped on us. its a thing she does. she did so earlier this year on halloween after i just had my first kiss. she has a problem with guys paying attention to anyone other than her. which btw is often cos she isnt very attractive (I'M NOT BEING MEAN, ITS THE TRUTH) and the only way she gets guys to talk to her for more than a couple minutes is by sending nudes. its true, she even sent them to A. its how she got expelled from my school, and she got in trouble at her second school for harassing guys. but this isnt about her, its about me and A. because i value our friendship(yes, really) i didnt bitch her out for ruining my night. that wasnt the worst part anyway. A and i talked throughout the night but at some point me and B got to talking. he was fine sober, and then his mother dropped off some fireball for him (yes, really...) and he got not so sober. i sat next to him and then he just mauled me! not the worst part. he couldnt remember my name. he called me Alicia, Tessa, Tasha, and...Kesha. -.-' he kept talking like an idiot. par example;
"i fell in love with you tonight."x121674
"lets go, i'll save you/i'll protect you."123413
"i'm so drunk." x764515617682348734
these three sentences over and over again.and can i also add that he was the worst kisser i have ever came into contact with in my short kissing career? my friends all thought i wanted to be alone with him so they left us alone while they all went inside. best friends forever, right? so i managed to get inside and i hid while he went to the bathroom. some sign language was required but it finally got into my friends heads that i did not want this kid attacking me. "where'd she go?"
"she's waiting for you outside, mang!" "yeah, go or she'll get kidnapped."
he came back later that night and slept outside. I DONT WANT. i thought i made that clear when i pushed him away, like the 3345456th time. A stayed the night; he and S did nothing. We had a breakfast of ice cream cake and watched that 70's show. A and i sat together. we all bid him a little goodbye and i havent seen him since.

But we did plan to. that plan was a massive fucking fail. we talked for a bit and we decided to meet by my house. but he got the directions messed up and i said id go meet him and then we'd go to my house. my alibi was a birthday party. and my fam decided to be "nice" this one time and give me a ride to this party and i couldnt cancel cos A doesnt have a cellphone. i didnt know what to do so i left the house. i was on the train to meet him and i almost had an anxiety attack. my mom and my sister kept calling me and i ended up being picked up by my sister and driven home. i told her about A in the drive way. Later that night i told my mom about him.
All because of this one incident; me going to meet a guy, has lost the trust of my mom and sister. i am not a bad kid.

after some more drama over the next week after that, i was forced to cut myself off from two of my best friends, who are also "bad influences". I had to cut myself off from A too. I still talk to my two friends and today i re-added A. i can talk to them for as long as i'm not found out but i can never see them. i'm going to have to explain that to A. i hate hate hate hate explaining myself more than anything else in the world. that, and not getting what i want.

My friend silv is having her bday this friday and im going, she offered to have me sleepover since the party ends at nine. i can go to the party but i cant sleep over, ever. She is a good kid and her family is, in slang terms "legit".
to quote my mother after i got mad at her for thinking all my friends were bad,
"it doesnt matter about them. you've lost our trust."

Am i a bad kid?
I dont do drugs, i dont go to parties, i dont have sex. im only a little lazy with school. but that doesnt make me bad, does it? my intentions with A are not what everyone seems to think. I wanted him to some to my house and meet the fam. the fact that everyone seems to forget. i didnt want to sneak out. at first i wasnt going to have him come over, but i changed my mind.
My intentions werent bad, and neither were his. And yet, i am thought the misfit child.
For chrissake, i just want to go out with friends once in a while without having an anxiety attack because of my parents. i cant take it anymore. i am being told that i am ungrateful, lazy and selfish. i am not. i want to be alive. and it shouldnt matter who with. i cant sit at home like i have been. i want... oh wait i forgot, it doesnt matter about what i want. fine, i can be good for you guys, but dont you dare say who i can and cant spend my time with. LET ME LEAVE THE HOUSE. WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT TO LEAVE ALL THE TIME?

It's stifling in this house. fine, i can do my school work. fine, i can do some housework. fine, i can lick the toilet bowl to check if its clean enough. just let me go out with friends. they tell me i havent earned it.have them give me a contract stating that if i can go out an play with my neighbourhood pals, i will earn my girl scout badge. This may not make any sense at all to any of you. but its a weird situation. maybe one day i will explain it, but no one can really understand unless they live it. Maybe i'll put it in my book. Maybe.

And now, some nonsense to lighten this entry up.

I watched the new Brandon Flowers music video for Crossfire. And i couldnt help but notice one thing. is it just me or does he look very Robert Pattinson-esque in one part? photo will be put up for you to see.
and also i will maybe add a few other pics. whatever i can find on my computer. including one of a horrible picture they put of me in the yearbook. UGH.

Ciao for now.

The one with the pink toque,
Kasia.

sometimes stress makes me say and do odd things.

I havent been able to sleep for the past few days and the lack of sleep isnt exactly helpig with my productiveness. so i havent been able to do anything...last night was one exception. i couldnt sleep, so i wrote down my thoughts. most of them consisted of me making up some curse words to help me vent my anger-related stress. Pour example:
FUDGEYWUDGEYJIZZMONKEYSHITBALLDEATHBYRAKE
PUSSYTHUMBS
FUCKMYLIFEWITHARAKEANDNEVERCALLITBACK (a classic of mine..)
WHYMUSTMILEYCYRUSDOTHISTOME?! (I really dont remember that one...but she is a torturous one isnt she?)
EVERYONEHASACASEOFTHEGAYZ

that is all for now.
i hope you all laugh at my pain. sigh.
haha...im slowly going insane.

Kasia

its crunch time.

fuck.
fuck.
FUCK MY LIFE WITH A RAKE AND NEVER CALL IT BACK.
its almost the end of the year and im stressing out.
every year its the same;
i promise to work really hard ("really, this time is different!") and something always seems to take up all my time that i should be spending on doing my school/studying/giving a shit etc. etc. this year for example its been C. aka the "kisser" and me trying to better my sad little social life. and it always ends the same way; i freak out at the end of the year and get marks that are sub par (if that). im so scared for my math grade this year. its been my worst subject as per usual but now we have provincial exams.luckily our teacher is letting us re-do every test since the beginning of the year so i have a chance to raise myself a couple percent before the exam. i may have to pray more often.
i had a project due yesterday but some things happened on my computer and i havent been able to finish it by hand so i missed school yesterday to try to finish it. i didnt so i did the horrible student thing and sent an email begging for an extension. he probably wont follow through and i'll be screwed. wow, theres a gorgeous sunset outside. and also a couple of snot nosed punk kids with their crazy jazz muzak fucking around annoyingly close to my front lawn.
little fuckers.
sigh. anyway; ive had some good times with my buddies this year, definitely not enough for my liking though. other than C. i have made a new friend that hasnt hurt me after kissing me (Sorry, A. it wasnt meant to be haha). We've bonded over countless cigarettes and McDonalds (that one not as often, since we're only mildly obese). She and i have talked about a lot of things. I can tell she doesnt open up to a lot of people, but im glad shes opened up to me. i still have to learn to open up a bit but shes talked me through a few things in months of our friendship. She and i didnt really REALLY start being friends until we started going out for smokes at lunch. ive said it countless times to her "smoking is a good bonding session, minus the whole cancer thing." which is very very true.

can you tell that she asked me to write about her? well she did. just to mention her but i did a bit more than that. (SO THERE, YOU SHOCKER).
speaking of C. its been exactly a month since he got kicked out and apparently he's going to this stupid hipster/douchey/skater school near ours which happens to be the school this girl he likes goes.I found out that he did indeed snitch on the others for smoking weed to try and save himself.he hasnt talked to ANYONE from our school since. i also failed to mention this, but i think its important:

I have a wish jar in my room (dont hate, its not that weird.) and the night before C. got pinched i put a wish in the jar that said, and i quote;
"Get C. out of my life. I wish him away.GET OUT OF MY HEAD."
My wish came true. But i wanted to have some sort of closure; that i was the one that rejected him, that the idea of being with him only makes me want to toss my cookies.even if it isnt entirely true...
ANYWAY, i thought it was really fucking weird.
i havent used to jar since. as y'all can imagine.

other than my usual lame problems, i have to find a job to pay for my tuition cos my brother is escaping to Europe (how i wish i could...)and wont be able to help and my mother is taking some time off for her operation (more on that another time) so im having to get used to a lot more responsibility than im used to.
I DONT WANT IT. I WANNA ESCAPE FROM SCHOOL, FROM HOME. SET ME FREEEEEEEE! lol. im being slightly over dramatic.

i still have to go finish my English project, which is to show how i was when i was 4. im interviewing my 4 year old self and writing an essay and adding some photos. just quickly throwing something together...

go outside or get to panicking about your late homework like i am.
ITS CRUNCH TIME, SHOCKERS!
(please dont ask me what shocking means)
love,
the dead girl with the stupid pink hat.
kasia <3

i think its time for a rant, yes?

hey guys.
just so y'all know im not going to do a nice happy,calm (sometimes a tad boring) entry like usual. instead im going to bore you even more with a rant.

I am sick and tired of being sheltered. everyone in my house (aka the dictators) thinks im being dramatic and making myself seem like a victim.fuck you, HOW DARE YOU say that my feelings are just me being dramatic.HOW DARE YOU think that i shouldn't be feeling what im feeling. we have different experiences in our lives and feel differently about them. i really don't know how to explain(and im probably confusing the fuck out of anyone who is actually reading this, which most likely is no one anyway) it but im sick of being told that im making myself a victim. only i know what has happened throughout my life so how dare you tell me how im supposed to feel about something when you weren't there and will never experience it the same way, no matter if you experienced something similar or not.

Anyway, that's only a factor.i am expected to do really well in school; im sub par. how can i concentrate on anything when all i can think of is escape. that's exactly what i think about, any form of it; escape.a fast car, a bus pass, plane ticket or just running for as long as my legs can carry me.i find it funny that the only kids that understand are my age. people always say, "when i grow older I'll understand" fuck that; they never do. kids aren't the same from when you were young, and you cant understand because...well you just cant. i hate to sound like a cliche angst ridden teenager, but no one understands. other kids can relate to you, much like addicts can relate to each other and people with cancer relate to each other and they all help each other out. people like parents and teachers and doctors try to relate, to understand. They cant, and never will. doctors; if they don't understand what you're feelings they get you so chock full of meds you wont feel at all.I cant think of anything but escape, escape from those who fail to understand and tell me what im supposed to feel instead of helping the only way they can.How? well it depends on the person. like me, i cant concentrate on my work because i want to escape and live life; i cant be expected to have all work and no play. "all work and no play make [Kasia] go crazy".the way they can help is let me "escape" for at least a little while. one party a month was all i asked but no, the dictators said no.

the whole theory about teenagers wanting to rebel is true.i want to escape, and since i cant i don't want to do anything else. its a weird thing and my brother says that im just making excuses all the time for everything (or rather not doing anything). sorry, would you rather hear the truth, brother? right now it does sound like im making excuses, but its not an excuse if its the truth.I'm lonely.i feel sheltered.because I've been sheltered for so long, i feel scared of everything. even making a fucking phone call gives me a panic attack.they want me to be responsible and independent. a little too late for that, non? how am i going to survive when im actually released into the real world when i leave for university.they made me scared. i dont want to be scared. i want so bad to show re3sponsibilty, to be independent, to feel as if i am living.

even if i were allowed to go out,i doubt i would be invited to anything. i made the mistake of not sticking with the "cool" group of people. though stupid, petty and frankly parasites leaching off of their parents money, they are idolized. i know that i would probably have more fun at one of my friends parties but its the whole idea of being a part of something.i know that after high school they'll be nothing, but thats just a cliche. a lot of the girls in this group are high on the honor roll and are loved by the teachers for their funny remarks and ability to hand in work on time. those are the ones im jealous of. we are so alike, personality wise. i could be friends with these people. but for some reason im not. i think the reason they have got it so together is the fact that they have fun; live, love, laugh and all that shit.they have found a good median between work and play. i haven't found that median because neither work or play are existent with me. its a vicious cycle; if i don't play, i don't work, and if i don't work i cant play, and so on.my friends don't have the means to have parties like the "cool" kids do, which is a factor in why they don't have them. but also, they are all sort of socially awkward, much like i am. which i guess, is why we're friends.

ugh, i'll write a follow up to this tmr. im too tired and pissed off and frankly this is all sort of depressing; me blogging about my feelings. WAHHHHH! :'0

some links

sorry for not posting anything recently but i do have some links y'all might like.

i have a deviant art and ive posted some things up after a long time so here are some links to the stuff. and a few random sites i thought y'all might find funny/horrifying.

Secrets
Secrets2
7:50
ThisIsWhyYoureFat
ChristWire
Omnomnom

I have so many random sites that i visit but i cant for the life of me think of a lot of them right now. I'll be posting again with actual stuff soon. I PROMISE.

love,
The DeadGirl with the stupid pink hat (a la Timmy Turner).

a little blog face lift and life update

i would love to do a huge entry about whats been going on for the past few weeks, but instead i'll jot down a list of things and maybe go into detail in a later post.
April 13th:

• R. asked me if i wanted to go for a movie sometime
• this was supposed to be when i told him i didnt feel that way
• i meant to avoid this whole situation altogether but my friends decided it was time to tell him to fuck off
• it looked more like an elementary school hook up instead of what it really was (a rejection)
• i told him later on that i just wasnt allowed to date and i would rather stay friends
• yes i felt bad but it had to happen sometime
• you wouldve done the same
• he still likes me

• hopefully that'll change cos his hope sort of scares me.

April 16th:

• i get an extra ticket from C. to see the schools rendition of the outsiders
• i go see the show (looking really good BTW...JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE)
• we stuff all the coffee creamers in my purse
• C. and i flirt harshly
  
• play is good to my surprise
• C. says goodbye and walks out on us
• like an idiot, i run after him
• i say"you didnt say goodbye" he says "bye" and i get a hug/pat on the back
• WTF
• WTF
• WHAT.THE.FUDGE?
• agh!

April 17th

• got ready for a birthday dinner
• went on facebook for a little while
• M. ( a i havent talked to in a while cos we got into a fight) messages me saying that she wants to set me up with this guy
• i say sure, i'll check him out
  

• went to N.'s 16th birthday like w00t
• had lasagna at a Greek restaurant a long with everyone else haha
• took photos and mocked the LG's and LB's that are just sooo cool like
• went home
• as im pulling into drive way i see a couple people by my house
• its M. and 2 guys
• mum goes inside and i talk to the 3 hoodlums
• one of the guys is Skyler (i know, horrible name) who turns out to be the guy M. wanted me to meet
• i meet him and he is very attractive
• like nom nom nom
• he gave me a perfectly perfect chance to kiss him and i didnt take it
• i havent seen him since

skip the weekend
April 20th (ya, w00t)

• have fun in math class avec F. et C.
• Christian Ed. teacher bails on us so we're stuck with an incompetent coach as a teacher
• C. and some guys go out at lunch
• i later find out that they got in trouble for "celebrating 420"
• C. gets expelled a long with another guy and a couple of them are suspended for the rest of the year
• some of us suspect that C. may have squealed on the others to get out of trouble
• i havent seen any of them since then

Skip to today

• i didnt go to school
• had myself a Disney VHS marathon cos i had a weird urge to watch Sword in the Stone
• while looking for the tapes i found old family photos
• had a good laugh or two
• there was a dance tonight
• i couldnt go cos i got grounded for not coming home right away (this was cos my friend Kevin wouldnt let me leave and kept talking to me, any person my age understands. The Dictators dont)
• ive been watching Say Yes to the Dress for a few hours and i still dont know what A-line means
• apparently no girls from my grade went to the dance either cos they thought it was gay or they were part of the Preppies and went to a party bus thing that was going on
  
• only 3 guys in my grade showed up (my true love, J. being among them and my brother. the poor guys)

• i managed to find this really good indie song that i heard on the radio a while ago (its actually indie cos i couldnt find it and there are no lyric sights for it so i wrote down the ones i heard)

SO, i also managed to get S. to help give my blog a face lift. i posted her link on here so feel free to stalk. mind you, the blog is still a work in progress. but in the meantime, enjoy it. i'll try to post again soon so i wont have to do any more of these annoying bullet form entries.

i'm going to post the song i was talking about. i swear its like it was written about me in a lot of the song. its amazing. CLICK ME FOR EAR CANDY.

candy used to sit at the front of the class. i really liked her but i sat in the back. she was really pretty and she talked real fast. like that , uh huh just like that.

Please dont hate me for such a short entry; URL

Sorry,
Sorry,
SORRY!
i know im not posting enough and i know my entries are a bit short.
sorry that i have a life (WAIT..WHAT?! A LIFE? no not really, im just lazy. but im putting it in brackets cos im not actually admitting this, this is just what is going through my head.just to let you guys know, everything i write in brackets is what im actually thinking.).

Aside from my obviously hectic life, i found some time to hang out with my buddies.We went on a trampoline at this one apartment complex that no one ever goes on. we were being loud and a lady that lived there asked if any of us lived there.i said that i did; we nicknamed her Siobhan.some common dialogue between the few of us consisted of this:
"STOP POKING MY BOOB."
"i think i should find a toilet, every time i jump im peeing ever so lightly." (not going to say who said that;it may have been me)
"SHUTUP, SIOBHAN WILL GET MAD AT US AGAIN."
"sofia's like a cat."
in other words (or not), it was an enjoyable time.

BUT ALAS.
the reason i decided to write on my blog today instead of going about my hectic life (sighhh...) is to say that im probably going to have to change my URL again 'cos people are creeping my blog (not the same people; others.these people shouldnt have been reading it in the first place anyway.).
i know "of course people are going to creep you blog, its open to everyone."fuck you i know that already, its just these few people i dont want reading it.
so there.
let's see, other than my trampoline escapades ive managed to hang out with my pals a bit this week. this is rare of me.
we're doing a project for gym class (yeah, i know.) about obesity; a topic we hold close to our hearts, and we went to my buddy A's house to do it. instead of writing about it in great detail i think i'll do what i often do in my journal and just write some key things that happened.and you can rely on your imagination for the rest (i know im not the only one that thinks that sounded dirty...).

• scrapping together some loose change to pay for the poster paper
• taking the bus for one stop
• italian hand-talking
• blue waffle surprise (yes, it is THAT blue waffle)
• posing with waffle photo
• randomly singing a long to songs from elementary school
• force-tickling yours truly and having photographic evidence
• constantly calling everyone obese
• "A is the only really obese one here"
• "do we really want to make ourselves look even more fat by posing with the pizza?"
• grape drank

• japanese exchange student brokededed the computer

i dont think there was much else. if anything, i'll just write another entry (no, probably not.)

as i mentioned before, i may have to chnage my URL again. i'll let y'all know.

peace out, girlscout.

love, your little dead girl
Kasia